Keeping me sane

These are turbulent, or more so, difficult, days for me. When trying to juggle it all because, well, let's face it, may as well be a single parent, I find solace in a new entity. While knowing that the situation is difficult, there are needs on both sides. I know that for myself, the offerings are an escape from what has been a way of life for me for years. It's strange how a person becomes accustomed to short-comings as "how it is". Why, when we want or expect more out of our life long commitment (that we swore to honor, protect, etc, etc.) is it greeted with so much hostility? I'll never understand that, maybe not meant to. That is one reason why we will never work out.
Anyway, the presence of the newcomer is beyond exciting. When you see a person that you want to talk to, have commonalities with, and it all has to be done on a quiet basis, it's a hard feeling. But I am sacrificing the "openess & talking" for something that's been lacking. However, when not expecting anything to happen, and it does, it's confusing as well as pleasant. It seems to be happening by itself. For reasons that I am unaware of at this time, because so much of this entity is mysterious, the entity gravitates toward me in a way that I wanted but was afraid to actually pursue. I am still content to see what the day brings, in one form or another. Keeps it interesting.

Mistakes

So how do you control who and what you feel and for which people? It's a a loaded question, I think. Are you supposed to control that feeling? I thnk that feeling in and of itself is noteworthy. So many people these days do not care for the person they chose, or maybe the other person chose them and they go along with it for year upon year, just getting comfortable. As has been my case for the past decade. It seems that the person I fell in lovewith has changed, as haveI as a result of the person he morphed into. It scares me to death to know that this person i spent 10 YEARS with could be so unfeeling. It also scares me even more because of the children we have together. Must they learn this same pattern of behavior? I hope to God not. I am feeling harsh these days toward myself as I have watched this escalate for too long, allowed it to grow. If I don't change things, who? My kids? My father? Mother? No. Living someone else's life because of what they want for you or the kids is never the right thing to do. But going back to the original question, are we supposed to control that? This experience of wanting another person while knowing it is barely scratching the surface of filling a chasm so deep, it could possibly not be filled due to the emptiness. But as is human nature, humans have needs. Why could I not keep it simple, uncomplicated, and straight forward? Because I've not had the experience in this? Why could I not lie to my heart that thinks it actually cares for this newcomer. In the lyrics of one of my favorites, Kings of Leon, "if it's just tonight, well it's still the greatest, the greatest". I made the decision to tell you that it was more than physical and I think I got my answer. It was fun while it lasted.